Waking up in Fear. The Failed Idealist.

I woke up in a cold sweat and tears (coughing, sadly); paranoid to no end. The feeling is/was suffocating. The mental state of my mind is such a fragile little thing.

Leveling whatever is left of my sanity, I informed who I needed to info, that today was not going to happen; I know I’m not going to be very efficient or in anyway effective. Worst, unstable.

They say, don’t “air your dirty laundry in public,” but I needed a channel, not to vent, not really, but express the tormenting in my head. I don’t have many places or people I could turn to, this is my sanctuary.

Where I’m at, is quite peculiar. It’s all moving forward, all doing well. But somehow, I died inside; it’s been a while. I’ve had the longest conversations with myself to date.

The world in my head is in a constant state of change, it’s beautiful when I’m happy and scary when I’m sad. There’s not really a middle ground, I’m guessing. I’m always alone there, somewhat, no other human accompanies me. It can be quite lonely, sometimes.

Every once in a while, I have guest. The sun is brighter, the city above the clouds looks more magnificent than it used to. It’s all in my head really, nothing is real.

In all the pictures in my head, you existed.

Love to me is a romantic thing. It’s calm, it’s quiet, it’s peaceful. In my eyes I’d see your reflection, and mine in yours. No one else exists in that given, hidden space.

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream

I have a dream, a fantasy
To help me through reality
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream

I have a dream, a song to sing
To help me cope with anything
If you see the wonder of a fairy tale
You can take the future even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream
I’ll cross the stream – I have a dream

I see the future, you look at the past. Yet I live in nothingness, you… I’m not sure.

This song constantly plays in my head.

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How do be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

<emAnd all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

You left me once for another, I broke to pieces, something went missing, I’ve been trying to find that part.

Despite the fact…

I feel…

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

But before I could recover the missing piece, you left once more. Back and fore, time and time again.

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darling, don’t be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

I got your letter from the postman just the other day
So I decided to write you this song
And just to let you know exactly the way I feel
To let you know my loves for real
Because I love you and I’ll do anything
Ill give you my heart, my everything
Because I love you, I’ll be right by your side
To be your light, to be your guide
If you should feel that I don’t really care
And that you’re starting to lose ground
Just let me reassure you that you can count on me
And that I’ll always be around
Because I love you, my hearts an open door
Girl, wont you please come on in
Because I love you, I’ll be right by your side
To be your light, to be your guide
If you should feel that I don’t really care
And that you’re starting to lose ground
Just let me reassure you that you can count on me
That I will always be around
Because I love you, my hearts an open door
Girl, wont you please come on in
Because I love you, I’ll be right by your side
To be your light, to be your guide

You shut me out, I couldn’t get close. And once again…

Last night…

In my head…

Now…

I’m a failed idealist and a failed romantic.

I’m just desperately holding on to a vision, a possibility. Like Edward in the waters, it’s not real.

As amused as I am that a vampire could glitter/sparkle in the sun, I’ve always love the undying romance. I’ve pinned so much hope that again, as I watch it shatter, and not able to do anything about it, all I can do is keep quiet.

(For better music quality…)

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.
The future’s open wide, beyond believing.
To know why, hope dies.
Losing what was found, a world so hollow.
Suspended in a compromise.
The silence of this sound, is soon to follow.
Somehow, sundown.

And finding answers.
Is forgetting all of the questions we called home.
Passing the graves of the unknown.

As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading.
Illusions of the sunlight.
And a reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting.
With love gone, for so long.

And this day’s ending.
Is the proof of time killing, all the faith I know.
Knowing that faith, is all I hold

And I’ve lost who I am, and I can’t understand.
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.
But I know, all I know, is that the end’s beginning.
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.
All is lost, hope remains, and this war’s not over.
There’s a light, there’s the sun, taking all shattered ones.
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all. [x2]

Yesterday I died, tomorrow’s bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.