Lost?

It’s strange really, I never thought something like this would actually happen, somewhat. I’ve been so caught up thinking how to make things better for the future that I completely forgotten to think about what’s happening in the present. Before I knew it, it was pretty much too late.

So close… now… so very far.

^{Photo credit: luvhypopo.blogspot.com}

Things were suppose to get better, soon. Things were suppose to settle down, soon. Things were suppose to be perfect, soon. But soon was just not soon enough. By the time “soon” arrive, “things” no longer existed. Now, day by day, I just slowly but surely, fade away. Baby steps.

Before I had time to slow down and take a breather, everything that was almost perfect has now became a living nightmare. Lies, betrayal, plots, disloyalty… everyday these words clouds my mind. I can no longer trust, not just my own judgement, but possibly everything else. I’ve failed miserably, too many times over.

When the truth was first presented to me, to be honest, I didn’t buy it. I couldn’t believe that someone I trusted so much would have done something like that to me. I thought it was a hoax, some conspiracy to stir shit. Completely oblivious and over confident that this was just a little man’s lie. I was wrong, not about the little man, but this was no lie.

As much as I despise the messenger for so many reasons, it was also this very messenger that delivered the truth – woke me up from my fairy tale and hammered me back to reality.

In a short month itself, twice betrayed. The same guy that was furious with the first, did not just do the same deed, somewhat, but hurt me possibly a hundred times worst.

A battle between loyalty and emotions, my loyalty sadly prevailed.

I could have just watched this whole drama unfold with popcorn on one hand and soda on the other. I could have just gone up to her and told her the truth too. I could have done so many things that could potentially benefited me a lot more. I had options, too many in fact. But as I sat down and thought things through, I knew I could never really hurt him, or them for that matter, despite all.

Just because someone hurts you, doesn’t mean you should do the same. Depends.

The last couple of days has been living hell. It ate me alive. Destroyed my soul. Consumed what’s left of my sanity. Nightmares after nightmares. Reality checks many times over.

The word “love” is pretty much deadly. It draws you in, contains you, and slowly, devours you completely. As the hurt peaks and slowly subsides, I now realise how those many ENFP friends of mine mellowed.

We evolve day by day, for good or for worst. We protect ourselves by thickening the layers of defense. As hurt builds and collapses, with so much strain on emotions, we creates an antidote, a prevention measure – mellow.

They say “Sab is strong” that’s not far from the truth. Sab is strong. But no matter how strong one is, there’s always a weakness. After so many lessons, I’ve finally understood. My weakness is trust; too much, too soon. I’ve been told and have been telling myself this so many times.

Day by day, the blade cuts deeper. The deeper it cuts, the harder it becomes when healed. I feel part of me dying within, and at the same time, a new understanding rises.

Every fairy tale eventually comes to “The End.” I hate you not, and slowly, I’ll just feel indifferent.